Goodreads Choice Awards: Motorcycle Man!

Motorcycle Man has made it to the final round of the Goodreads Choice Awards 2012.

Quick!  Go vote for our girl, Kristen Ashley and MOTORCYCLE MAN!

Motorcycle Man: Jersey Style

WAIT until you hear the Motorcycle Man experience I had today!

I was out doing the corn maze/hayride thing with the fam today...and we decided to pop into a tremendous lunch spot called The Cabin in Freehold, New Jersey.  Why does Freehold sound familiar?  Because that's where Bruce Springsteen grew up.  And let me tell you...I guarantee Bruce has had a beer or two there.  It's just that kind of place.  Literally a cabin...very casual...a great bar...and yummy, tasty tavern food.  OH yeah.  I love this place.  

So we pull into a parking spot...and who pulls up next to us but some hottie pattotie on a bike...with his lady love holding on to him.

The helmet came off and he had a shaved head...was in tremendous shape...and was wearing jeans, boots and a black, long sleeved shirt that said Old Bones Speed Shop on the back...with a skull and crossbones.  

You cannot MAKE this shit up.  

Meanwhile, his woman was cool...jeans...black knee length boots...long dark hair...you know, the standard upper class biker babe look. 

So we walk in...and "Gimme All Your Lovin'" from ZZ Top is playing...and at this point I am ready to park myself all day and into the evening.  But I can't!  Why?  Because of those meddling kids!  LOL OK I'm not being nice.  I did spawn them and all.

So anyway...the next song that came on was "Pour Some Sugar on Me".  Can you go wrong in a rustic bar with Def Leppard coming out of the speakers?  I'm thinking no...no you can not.

At one point, Old Bones came over and stood right behind our table and had a conversation with three guys at the bar...all in various levels of upper class biker dress...and all were in good shape. And it was all I could do not to snap a photo.  I really have to get more daring with the old iPhone. 

Soooo....long story longer...  When we were finished, we went outside...

<-----and this was the sight I saw upon walking out the door.  Um yeah...I'll be going back there again ASAP.  Preferably at night.  When there is a band.  And beverages.  Sans kids.  You can bet on it.  ;) 

Oh Tack... A Little Help Here?

SPOILER ALERT:  I have sorted my shit out and finished Motorcycle Man. 

OH my god - the last few chapters with all the Dream Men showing up in the story were friggin fantastic!  I keep wondering who my favorite Dream Man is.  I always think "Hawk".  But then I remember how much I love Brock and how he looks like Josh Holloway aka Sawyer from LOST in my mind.  Then I remember that Tack is just plain friggin HOT.  And I get confused.  (Sorry Mitch; you are too much like guys I already know for you to be my fave...but I do think you're dreamy.)

Love Auction Hunters.  They're adorable. 

Let's take a look at some of my notes and highlights, shall we?

Storage Wars - HOW funny is it that Kristen Ashley was talking about this?  I have to admit - I don't watch it - but I do watch Auction Hunters ---------------------->>


The following quote from Tyra should be the Dream Man TV Series tagline:

"Cool, badass macho men and funny, sassy women that dressed kickass who all bantered and got kidnapped frequently." 

One HOT Ride!

OK So check this out:  Tack rides a Harley Dyna Glide.  Feast thine eyes.  This. Is. Hot.  --------->>

Bruce frequents my beach. A
friend of mine took this. Word. 

So glad it wasn't one of those low-riders like Bruce Springsteen rides.  OH no.  They don't look nearly as cool.  And they leave way too much room for gut-hangage...or the appearance thereof.


OK so here are some quotes to delve into:

"His fingers slid inside the gusset of my panties."  

I have no other reason to post that except to give "the girls" a good little giggle.

And this, too:

"Tack didn't reply.  He kept eating".  

ROFLMMFAO!!!!!  That shit is beyond giggles.

Then there's this lovely arguement.  Allow me to lay this shit out:

"Okay then, I'll go home"
"You are also not goin' home." 
I held his eyes.
Then I whispered, "Fine"...

FINE?!  WHAT?!?  Are you KIDDING ME?!?  At this point I was like "Move your (very hot) ASS over and let me get the hell OUT of your (too cool for a biker dude's) HOUSE".

Another humorous diddy:

"intended to make haste to my secret chamber that would beam me to Fort Lauderdale."

Another ROFLMAO.

And one last one about Elvira that could have come out of my own mouth:

"In most instances, except this one, it was a sacrilege but she left her latte on the table not even half drunk."

You don't want to know how many times I've said "Decaf, grande, no-whip, mocha latte" in my life.  One good thing about the end of the summer is that it's back to being HOT COFFEE time!!!

So that is my post on the end of Motorcycle Man.  Everything worked out...the HOT, badass other Dream Men came to Tyra's rescue (didn't you love how we got to see the sitch from everyone's POV??) and barbecues and bikes prevail.  Thank God for the brats. :)

Head Out On The Highway

SPOILER ALERT: I am 63% into Motorcycle Man.  

HOLY SHIT!  Tyra just saw that SKANK doing Hop and the caca is hitting the proverbial wind-blowing machine!!!!!!  I so totally did NOT see this one coming.  Everything's been going along smoothly and then BAM!  Not so smooth.

And it's quite a wake up call!!  I have been living in lala land right along with Tyra...enjoying every second of her relationship with Tack.  Never stopping to think "Holy shit - this guy is a big time BIKER.  Not just "a biker"...but THE biker.  He's the HEAD of a BIKER GANG entitled CHAOS.  SHIT.  WHAT the EFF am I is she DOING?!?"

This brings me back to when I was a kid in PA.  There was a scary assed biker gang in my area called The Warlocks and they were a really scary biker gang that lived about 20 minutes away from my house in this old, Victorian mansion.  And let me tell you... We. Were. TERRIFIED of them.  You'd be driving down the highway and 50 motorcycles would pass your car.  It was really freaky.

Soooo...I get to this part about that bitch from hell doing Hop - backwards (giggles) - and watch Tyra tell Tack off...and it all just hits me:  GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE, GIRL!!!  What are you DOING?!  They're going to eat you up and spit you out!  I'm just sitting here thinking "Holy shit - the honeymoon is OVAH.  Tack's gonna CHEAT on yo' ass.  WTF are you waiting for?  Move the eff ON."

Seriously...everything's fine...as long as she agrees to live in HIS world; not hers.  And we all know that shit won't work forever.  I mean come on!  Look...I made it through eating chips out of the bag.  I made it through Tack barely saying "Hi" to all the boyfriend hotness at Club.  But stick around and watch this cougar fuck her way through the entire club?  Multiple times?  Including Tack?  No effing WAY.

Get OUT, girl!  While the gettin' is good!

As if he's going to let her out.  Ugh - no way.  He's going to FLIP.  And it ain't go' be pretty.  And it has given me a ton to ponder.  Kristen Ashley has never let a girl walk away from her Dream Man before...I'm dying to know if she's going to start now.  My brain says "No friggin way, I'm a dumbass for even thinking it"...but seriously...HOW is this shit going to sort itself out?!  Tack is TACK.  Tack is Chaos.  Ain't no way...no how...that he's going to start living his life differently at 41 years of age.  I bet he'll give Tyra some BS answer about only wanting HER in his bed and only wanting to fuck HER face (ROFLMAO sorry; couldn't resist) but you know...eventually boyfriend's going to stay out a little too long one night...and then not come home at all the next...and Tyra's going to find out he's with that skank at the compound...or - heaven forbid - yet another skank somewhere else.

OMG I have to go read.  This shit is KILLING me!!!  Stay tuned!

You GO, Girl

SPOILER ALERT:  I am at 44% in Motorcycle Man.  

OMG I can't type long because I MUST go read.  M'girl Vi - along with Gwen and Mara - just busted into Tyra's office and said they want to take her out for cosmos.  And Tack was all protective and saying "no"...but then he changed it to "yes" for Wednesday night.  Wish those bitches would come and take ME out for cosmos on Wednesday night.  A girl needs bitches.  And cosmos.

So let's see...what's been happening?  Well...I almost shat my pants when Tyra, Lanie (who I'm  not sure I like) and Auntie Badass Air Force One got kidnapped.  And when my man HAWK walked in....OH my god...I jumped right the hell out-my-seat and said "WHOA!"  I was "this close" to blogging but I couldn't because I had to know what was happening.

This is the BEST Dream Man book!  LOVE LOVE LOVE all the girl/boy drama!  When Tyra got mad because Tack made Lanie pancakes?  OH my gosh I was right along with her in her jealousy. LOOK at Lanie.  She's gorgeous. And was it me or was she flirting with Tack RIGHT AFTER she found out about Elliot???  And then when Tack put her on his bike after the kidnapping?  Oh SHIZ, I was NOT happy about that at ALL.  I was in total agreement with Tyra.  I'd have been soooooo bummed.  SHE is supposed to be saved!  Not Lanie!  Tyra was supposed to ride off into the sunset with Tack...not her damned bestie with her long ass legs and perfect skin.  (LOL I think I made those qualities up in my mind...not really sure.)

Then I was SO SAD when Tyra broke it off with Tack...but I was SO HAPPY she stuck to her guns and I was SO PROUD OF HER!!!  I was sitting there reading that heart wrenching scene and feeling every second of it!  And I was thinking "Girl...do NOT stay.  Do NOT!  This is so dysfunctional!  Either get what you want...or scram."  I'm so glad she played by her own rules.  That rocked.

OK so now they talked - she's staying - he's making her chops (a-his stuffing sounds great and b-I love a man who cooks!) and they're discussing why she left her old life.   And - once again - I totally agree with everything Tyra is saying.  I can totally relate to this chickie.  She - in a word - rocks!  :)

OK I'll shut up now...but I must tell you one thing.  The term "man bun" is friggin so funny...as is "biker brethren".  There have just been so many laughs in this book; I love it.

OK gots to go.  More later!

Today's Tom Sawyer

SPOILER ALERT:  Starting Chapter 10 - aka 21% in Motorcycle Man. 

I have to admit something.  I truly thought "Rush" was going to have been named for the band.  Come to find out he's always in a rush.  NOT that that's not a fun reason to be named "Rush".  I just was expecting something involving the greatest drummer of all time.  Not to mention the band that FAILED AS THEMSELVES in Guitar Hero.  Let's be honest; that shit is funny.

OK sorry - back to Tack et al...

Poor Tyra is shitting her pantalones because she's got to tell Lanie that her fiance is a dirtbag.  Well, actually, he doesn't sound like all that much of a dirtbag but Tack says he is...so that's that.  I can't figure out if Tack knew him or if they just met for the first time at Tyra's.  I'm sure I'll figure it out.  Clearly Elliot is messed up with the Russian mob dude from Law Man.  THAT should be an interesting story; I'm looking forward to it.

I liked meeting Tabby and Rush - they sound like cool kids.  I keep wondering what things are like for them at school, since Tack is their dad.  Can you imagine the chatter in the cafeteria and on the grassy knoll?  "That's Rush.  Don't mess with him.  His dad is a badass."

Tack may be my favorite dream man at this point.  He is delish.  Everything sounds hot coming out of his mouth. (Even (especially?) the stuff I usually send giggly email to the girls about because I grew up going to Catholic school.)  But I'm having a hard time visualizing him.  I think I see him as some type of morphing of Joe Manganiello, Dominic Purcell and Hulk Hogan.  I know; I'm wacked.  Check it out and let me know what you think!

Things Is Gonna Be Changin' Round Here. Pass Me That Pizza, Boy.

SPOILER ALERT - I'm 12 % into Motorcycle Man.

THE COLOR PURPLE?!?  ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!?

This is like my "Still They Ride" moment from Wild Man!

"Y'ALL WAS ROTTEN KIDS! YOU WASSSS!!!!! YOU WAS ROTTEN KIDS!!!!!!!"

OH my god.  The Color Purple is my favorite drama.  Of all time.  (I say "drama" because my favorite movie - "Arthur" - is a comedy...but The Color Purple is in my top 5 and definitely the greatest drama EVER.)  And I'm a little rusty because I haven't seen it from start to finish in quite a while.  But whenever it's a nasty, wet day outside and I have to run to my car, the first thing I think is:

"It's go' rain on yo' head!"

OH my god I can't believe they're watching The Color Purple.  And of course, Tack is all "WTF is this shit?"  And I am still in disbelief that he's a) on her couch and b) has just shared so fully and matter of factly.  And damnit...now I want pizza.

And, you know...I think I like Tyra's somewhat mindless job.  I haven't had a real PAYING job in 10 years, since my kids were born.  (Can't count the film production stuff until we start making $$!)  And I'm thinking "I might just get me a job at a place where I can answer the phones, type in the orders and bring donuts for the mechanic/body work dudes."  How fun does that sound?  No pressure, just light banter with biker dudes...and no hassle.  Where do I sign up?!

And PS - am I the only one who thinks "Holy crap, Dream Man would be an awesome TV series"???  They can all it friggin "Denver".  Like "Dallas"!  And rotate the storylines.  It. Would. RULE.  I am going to cast this shit on the blog pretty soon; it's too juicy not to.

Fucking THE COLOR PURPLE, Y'ALL!!!  "When I see'd you...I know'd there is a God.  I KNOW'D there is a God."

Motorcycle Man: Take 1

SPOILER ALERT:  I am on seriously like page 4 of Motorcycle Man.

HOLY EFFING SHIZ!!!!!  I am literally at 2% on the Kindle and ALREADY I had to throw it down and pick up the laptop.

Tyra is standing outside of Ride, waiting to go in to her first day on the job...and Tack is MAKING THE HELL OUT with some dark haired chick in the parking lot!  With his hand on her ass!!!  It's MONDAY and they were together on SATURDAY!!! OH MY GOD!! I'm so embarrassed for her!!!

You know what?  THIS is why I was never a slut.  THIS is why I didn't sleep around.  THE DAY AFTER!!!!!  How positively MORTIFYING!!!  And OH my God I was beyond dying for her when he told her to leave her number and scram.

Holy CRAP I'm afraid to hit the "next page" button!!!!!!!

"The suspense is terrible.  I hope it will last."  ~Oscar Wilde

Elvira is Ivy

OMG - so I'm watching "Good Luck Charlie" with my ten year old yesterday...and it hits me:

Ivy is Elvira as a teen!  She even lives in Denver!!  Watch!

(The sound gets better quickly; I promise.)

I Have Finished Law Man!

SPOILER ALERT:  Don't read unless you have read all of Law Man.

OMG I feel so guilty because this should be a post about Mitch...and my first comment is going to be about Brock!

"He's in this mess because he's tryin' to get his boys clean.  This is not on him even though he's feelin' this shit and he's feeling' it deep.  It isn't on him.  This is on Lescheva." 


Let's just say that the instant Hawk and Brock showed up in the story, Carol was a very happy chickadee.  Have I mentioned I love them?  I swear to God, these books would make the most fantastic tv series.  It's like Supernatural (minus the Supernatural factor) meets Starsky and Hutch.  All that man-talk and testosterone.  Oooh it's scrumptious, y'all!  Positively scrumpdillyiciuos!  Can't you just see every week being about a different Dream Man?  OMG I'd get a new DVR just to make sure I didn't miss an ep!

I feel bad because I sortof put Mara on the backburner.  She's cool but I'm all about the guys in this one.  And oh SHIT - TACK.  Hello?  Even TACK showed up:

"Tack stared at him.  Then he muttered, "Respect."  Respect from Kane Allen."  


Can't you just feel THAT in your nethers?  Mmmm hmmm.  I can't WAIT to read about Tack in Motorcycle Man.  (I have to take a slight hiatus as I've been waiting for "Shadow of Night" - the sequel to "A Discovery of Witches" for a year now...and it came out today.  Yee haw.)

What I love about Mitch:

"Today was most definitely a fucking donut day.  He need to make a donut run.  He didn't need to waste time on an assclown."

LOVED the donut days.  He's such an awesome guy and it totally comes through in the book.  AND - that is SO TRUE.  He was OK with donuts on the weekend...but he made the kids eat oatmeal on school days.  That sounds vaguely familiar.  Oh year right; I do that shit to my own kids.

And how funny is "assclown"?  I am going to use that in a sentence three times today for sure.  I laughed right out loud every time I saw it.

And something I tweeted about to Miss Kristen, herself (The Queen of All Things Hotness About Men):

"Who named their kid Ridge?"  (Remember? Billie's new beau?)

ROFLMAO.  RIDGE FORRESTER was the first thing that popped into my mind.  Hot, for sure...but as KA said, herself "Mitch would wipe the floor with him".

OK so Mara - I absolutely LOVED when she loosened up and went out with the girls.  Once Vi shows up, you know it's going to be a party.  (HOW funny was she when the skank sisters showed up??  I love how she butts right the hell into their bizznazz.)  BUT - I was in shock when drunken Mara was all "Hawk is the #2 love of my life" and staring at him all doe eyed.  Girlfriend was layin' it on THICK in her head and Gwen's just sitting there all "La dee dah".  DOH!  I know you're hot, chickee...but come ON.  You gotsta keep a firm hold on your man, yeah?

OK y'all.  Give me a little while to finish my new book and then I'm on to Tack!

Incredible Journey

SPOILER ALERT:  I am 47% through LAW MAN. 

STILL THEY RIDE?!?  Holy shit.

I have been bitching in my head a bit about Book 3 because no one's been gettin' busy...and Mara has made a new dictionary entry with the somewhat non-wordish word "Um".  (Actually - not true - it's listed in Merriam Webster.  Who knew?)

And then...47% of the way through this book...Mitch and Mara are sitting in his TASTY living room and boyfriend turns OFF the game and turns ON "Still They Ride" from Journey.  A phenomenal song I haven't heard in YEARS but you'd better bet your ASS I'm about to download from iTunes in about 2.3 seconds.

I could go into the time (my sister) Tracey and I went to see the Jam with John Cougar (before he was Mellencamp again), Sammy Hagar, Bryan Adams, The Tubes and culminating in the most orgasmic Journey show to date at JFK stadium in Philadelphia in the early 80s...and I got hit in the head with a ham sandwich.  But that's a completely different story.  And right now, I have to get back to Mitch, that fantastic couch and Steve Perry belting out "the strong will surviveeeeeee".  Well worth fifty thousand "um's" y'all.  WELL worth them.

PS - I was reading on a lounge chair at my pool with my hubby sitting in the lounge chair next to me and the kids swimming happily when I got to that point and I sat up and forcefully said "Oh my god - STILL THEY RIDE!!!!"  Needless to say, Hub told me in an annoyed voice: "Ya know...None of us are reading what you're reading right now."  LOL!!!

Let's Get it On

SPOILER ALERT:  I'm starting Chapter Nine in LAW MAN. 

Oh my god.  I'm EXHAUSTED with Mara's "ums".  Honey just put your self doubt on hold and HOP ON POP!!!!!  What is she WAITING for?!?  She knows Mitch digs her.  Why prolong this whole thing?  And why doesn't he just KISS HER and get it over with?!?  She said she'd cave if he used his soft voice on her...what do you think she'll do if boyfriend lays a mean, sloppy one on her?  She'll be like "Um, OK, you and your mammy can watch my sortof kids and clean my house and wash my car AND I'll even let you make me dinner 5 nights a week, mmmhay?"

I can't take it anymore.  She can't be that stupid.  She's got a $5,000 nest egg AND a house fund, for pete's sake.  Girlfriend has a good job and pays the bills.  She CANNOT be this stupid.

Which means...it's going to get GOOD once Manly Mitch starts digging around in her past and finds out all sorts of stuff he does NOT necessarily want to know.  You KNOW she grew up like Daryl and his other brother Daryl Billie and Billy and had a shit life and has zero self esteem because of it.  Mmm hmm.  Now...I didn't grow up like that but I've got my own issues with self esteem, so trust me; mama knows.

This...is getting good.

PS - I don't know what to do with my Mitch.  From Day 1...in Mystery Man...I've seen him as Rick Rossovich from Roxanne, Top Gun, etc.  Which is fine...except the fact that he looked like that in the 80s.  I need someone current day!  AND he's on youtube...current day...grey hair and all....still looking hot for his age...but hawking some kind of natural PMS solution for his wife!!!

Dude...WTF?!  That's totally sweet but NOT helping when I'm trying to envision a hot, testosterone-laden piece of FINE ASS who buys little girls butterflies and flower barrettes at TARJAY!  Capice, compadre?!

Either way...I fear he's too ingrained in my brain at this point.  LOOK at him.  Hot-a-licious, right?

(Check him out at about 34 seconds in.  Day-um boy!)

Bye Bye Wild Man

SPOILER ALERT:  I have finished Wild Man, y'all.  Talk about Mr. Toad's Wild Ride!

Finished!  No more cupcakes.  This is good and bad.  Good, because I've been jonesing for baked goods through this entire book and just thinking about chocolate cake puts poundage on my thighs.  Bad, because Brock is hot and not it's Bye Bye Brock.  le sigh...

And HELLO MITCH, apparently.  Works for me!

A few points:

I about shit my pantalones when we were informed Brock wears my favorite man uniform to work:  Turtleneck, nice jeans and what I can only imagine as what I'd call a "pea coat".  DANG boyfriend.  That shit is HOT.

We found out Tess has light brown hair and green eyes.  Hmmm.  Casting much?  I will ponder this for the next few days.

I don't think I've ever mentioned that my Brock is Josh Holloway from LOST and has been since he appeared as Skull in Mystery Man.

I know, I know...totally wrong hair.  But just LOOK at and LISTEN to that shit.  He's got the sexiest, gravelly voice...and calls everyone by the nicknames he's given them...and is a it irreverent and doesn't give a rat's ass.  And is rough around the edges, even though he's sharp as a tack.  SO Brock.  And the facial expressions are EXACTLY what I'd expect.

See for yourself.  (BUT - NOT if you haven't seen LOST and plan to watch it (that means YOU, JJ) because it's RIFE with spoilage.





OK Y'all - on to LAW MAN. Wish me luck!

C*nts and Cupcakes!

SPOILER ALERT:  Oh crap - where am I?  Shizzle.  I think I'm about 65%ish in WILD MAN.

Thanks to Squidknit at craftster.org
for the tremendous cupcake photo! 

Hey y'all...how about Brock throwin' around the c-word like it's "the"?  Isn't it funny??  I can't imagine telling someone they had "the sweetest dick I ever had".  ROFLMAO.  Did I just say that?  That's what 7 hours at a graduation party and lots of Pinot Grigio over ice in a red solo cup will do for one's inhibitions.  Makes 'em go BUH BYE!

Seriously though...I can't even type c*nt (hee hee...or even think it in my head, apparently) unless I say something like "Ugh...she is a total counttt...ry singer."  This dude throws it around like Kardashians throw around basketball players!  Outrageous!

And frankly, it's refreshing, is it not?  Maybe we should all say it!  Maybe it wouldn't be so taboo if everyone threw it around at the dinner table now and then.

Therefore...I am naming tomorrow "National C*nt Saying Day" (along with Father's day.  Shhhh...don't tell the guys.)

Thanksgiving Lucas Style

SPOILER ALERT: I am starting Chapter 13 in Wild Man. 

Now gather 'round, children...cuz mama has LOTS to fill you in on.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving Day at the Lucas household...and boy, what a day it was!

First off...my day was MADE when Elvira showed herself up in the kitchen of Fern's house.  I was like "I'm sorry.  Come again?  ELVIRA?  Does she even KNOW them?!"  I swear to God, her appearances are so random and awesome, she's starting to remind me of Bubba in the Sookie Stackhouse series.  All the sudden...there she is!  And you know it's going to be a good time.

COMMA HOWEVER - a good time was NOT had by all on turkey day at Brock's mom's.  Oh no it wasn't.  And why not?  Because LAWDY (as Vi would say)...there was a whole boatload of shiz that went down...in one day!  Where do I begin???  OK - let's break this down so slower people like me can understand it better.

Levi - Assuming it's "Lee-Vigh" but I keep hearing it as "Leh-vee".  LOL  Anyway - WHAT a dildo. Seriously.  This guy could bring down a bunch of 4 year olds on Christmas Eve at the North Pole.  Talk about a buzz kill.  Um Lenore?  Yeah.  Honey.  I don't give a shit HOW hot he is...DUMP his dumb ass before it dumps yours.  And we all know it's about to in about 30 seconds.  What a loser that he has to bring his young, hot pieces of ass to THANKSGIVING so everyone will know how cool he is; NOT. I know guys like this and lemme tell ya...I DON'T like them.  At all.

Vi - What else needs to be said?  Girlfriend shows up and shoves her hands in the potatoes.  That's loyalty if you ask me.

Jill, Laura, The Hubs:  Whatev.  Nice people.  I could hang with them.  I'm happy for Tess that Brock's sisters and their hubs are so cool.  That is the SAME relationship I have with my sister and bros in law who married my husband's brothers and sisters (there are 6 of em - 3 boys, 3 girls. You got it; the Brady Bunch.  He's Peter).  Solidarity in numbers...and non blood relations.  When shit goes down we all huddle together and silently utter our collecte "Mmmm hmmmm"s.

Fern - LAWDY I was happy when she finally spoke up and took charge over the family dissent over Cob.  I don't know that I'd have had the dignity to invite him to stay...but someone needed to step up and she did it gracefully.

Cob - SHIT! I HATE that I LIKE him.  Damnit!

Olivia - BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH.  I HATE her.  I keep picturing her with her "all done up" hands, just like the headless woman in the "I'm On Fire" video from Bruce Springsteen.  You know...from back when he was going through his Hollywood phase before he screwed his head back on straight and moved his ass back to Monmouth county where it belongs.

(LOL Sorry.  Bruce tangent.  It happens.)

More Olivia - She wants him back?  Are you SHITTING ME?!?  OMG I was fighting falling asleep latenight in bed with my book and you'd better believe THAT little tasty morsel woke my ass up and got my brain functioning again.  I am LIVID and I can't WAIT to see what's going to come of THAT little trampy declaration.

Tess - OMG I would have FREAKED THE HELL OUT when Olivia was outside with her head on Brock's chest.  Holy shit!  I wouldn't have done it publicly; I would have been reserved like her ("Oh it's fine...it's fine."  Women always swallow so much shit, don't we??)  But inside I'd have been FREAKING.  And I can't see myself going to watch a movie and falling asleep.  I'd have stared at the TV in a panic, pretending to watch but over thinking everything that had gone down.  I'd have wanted to get the hell out of there SO fast.  When Brock drove her home and came in with her, I was a bit sceeved and thinking "Ugh - just go HOME and give me some space!"

Brock - I liked his explanation of why he looked "conflicted"...which would have had me looking VERY conflicted.  Holy hell.  But seriously - he's always so calm, cool and collected.  Can anyone be that much of a good guy all the time?  I don't know.  And I've got half the book to go...so I'm TERRIFIED of what he's going to do.  Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.  I fear (know) there HAS to be some kind of upheaval and Tess is going to get hurt...even if they do end up working things out and getting back together after the inevitable-but-temporary impending break up.

ISN'T IT ALL JUST SO DELICIOUS?!?

These books are like having a tremendous cake in front of you - and a fork - and you find yourself slicing off large chunks of frosting WITH that fork...just because you can.

And just when you think it can't get any tastier, someone walks in and brings you a kick ass grande, decaf, mocha latte to wash it all down.

Not that I drink those or anything.

The Bitch is Back

SPOILER ALERT: I am starting Chapter 11 in WILD MAN. 

Oh snap.  Tons has gone down.  When BEOTCH Olivia showed up to pick up the boys 2 hours early...holy crap that was some sick drama!  And I loved it!  Poor Tess is all "I'll just stay in the kitchen and decorate the carrot cake while that meanie in the Prada calls me fat."  I'd have done the same though...because that Olivia isn't playing with a full deck.  I think Brock should heed Pops' advice and see what's going on over there at Dade's house.  (Is that Witchy Poo's hubster's name?  I'm too lazy to do a search at this point in the evening.)

And don't you just know women like Olivia?  Gawd...they make me gag.  I see women like that at school sometimes and I'm just like "Oh geez...why not wear some jeans and flip flops and have a freakin' cheeseburger once in a while?!"  I'm convinced all of those perfect women with perfect hair/skin/nails who never take their perfect designer clothes and heels off just can't be happy deep down.  (That's what I tell myself, anyway.)  ;)

And how about Vi calling m'girl Tess on the phone to warn her about Brock again.  At first I was like "Vi - girl - you are wrong.  Funny...but wrong."  And then Tess told her she was raped!  OMG I was hiding under the covers FROM my Kindle!  Holy shit!  As my 7 year old would say..."AWKWARD".    But Vi was all "Ummm...OK honey...Sorry to hear that.  I'll leave ya 'lone now.  You just go back to doin' that hotass bad boy over there and I'll drink a big, ol' cup-o-shut-the-fuck-up."  YIKES.

OK...so moving on... Might I say that I did CARTWHEELS when I found out Tess and I are the same age?  And BACKFLIPS when I found out Brock is 45!  Squeeee!  Finally!  A hero and heroine that aren't 25!  You can almost envision yourself living their lives (minus my crow's feet, frizzy hair and occasional IBS, that is.)

So they are heading to Brock's family's for Turkey Day and I can't WAIT to see what kind of scariness is going to ensue at THAT table.  OMG it's going to be like that movie, "Home for the Holidays" with Holly Hunter where they do nothing but fight.  I bet Pops is going to show up and they're all going to get into a brawl.  I'm telling you...this family is like a simmering pot that's about to boil over if someone leaves the lid on too long.  Mmmm hhhhmmm.  And I can't wait for the festivities!

Fiona Apple

Freakin' out a bit, babes.

Just heard "Criminal" from Fiona Apple on the radio and thought "Hmmm...great song for a Dream Man playlist - Mystery Man, to be exact.  Wonder if KA would think so or if she'd laugh at me for thinking that."

Fast forward to right now...I just opened Wild Man am not on page 2 of Chapter 6.  What do I see but some hot couch action taking place while not one, but two Fiona Apple songs have played from Tess' bedroom.

Word.

Dream Man Take 2: Wild Man

SPOILER ALERT:  I am starting Chapter 6 in Wild Man.

OMG - so much to say.  I wanted to get the blog looking shiny and new before I posted.

Fasten those seatbelts, children...and hold on tight!

OK first off...I almost plotzed on my lounge chair when Elvira freakin showed up at the baby shower.  EL-VI-RA!  I had no idea we were going to get to witness her hilarity in this book, too!  Love!  When she whipped the fixins for Cosmos out the damn (massive) purse, I nearly fell the hell over.  How much do you WISH Elvira was in your life?!?  Nell Carter with cosmos, y'all.  Nell with cosmos.

The fact that all of the women from Mystery Man are in Wild Man makes me very happy since I'm not over Mystery Man yet and I was missing them terribly!

BUT...(and hang on because this may sting a little)...Um Gwennie?  Could you maybe SHUT IT about Jake/Brock's past?  I remember a day not so long ago, dearie, when you were devastated at the BULLSHIT Cam was feeding you about Hawk's DAYS, mmmkayyy?  Remember FILLER?!  YOU are the FIRST one who should stand up and say "Gossip, y'all.  Let her ask her man about it.  Vi? (I call Elvira, "Vi")  Can you fix me another one of those cosmos?  Thanks, babe."

But does she do that?  Nooooooo.  Girlfriend sits there and tells Tess about the skank!  BLORRRRRRTTTTTT.  I would have been so grossed out, I'd have told Jake/Brock to go get tested and come back in 6 months (after throwing up on my latest cake).  Um, EWWWWWWW.  Talk about job loyalty.  Gwen wasn't kidding!  (That was pretty amusing, actually.)

Totally amusing:  Jake/Brock being MAD at Tess for blowing him off for 3 months after he put his thingie in her whoo whoo for the first time and she made him a promise whilst his seed was still inserted in her nethers.  (I'm ROFLMAO just typing that.)

HOW do I begin to respond to that?!?  Um, DUDE...your jiffy lube had no sooner come back out when your  boys BUSTED DOWN HER DOOR and hauled her ass down to the station!  Then she was harassed by Bad Cop-turned-Good "I want to date you" Cop while you sat there and WATCHED!!!  How would I feel if put in that situation?  Hmm.  Let's think for a minute.  PISSED THE FUCK OFF!!!!  He's lucky she didn't move her ass to Kentucky the next day!

(I kept thinking that if it were Hawk, he'd have had cameras on her 24/7 and would have popped back in a few times in the middle of the night for a quick one.)

OK I need to get back to reading because things are getting good.  Poor Jake/Brock.  Everyone hates him.  Everyone but Tess, that is.  When Martha and Elvira were outside watching, I was a little weirded out.  Shit, ladies...you've got a night out.  Go drink some more and leave poor Tess to deal with her beautiful fucked up man, mmmkay?  KthxBye.