Elvira is Ivy

OMG - so I'm watching "Good Luck Charlie" with my ten year old yesterday...and it hits me:

Ivy is Elvira as a teen!  She even lives in Denver!!  Watch!

(The sound gets better quickly; I promise.)

I Have Finished Law Man!

SPOILER ALERT:  Don't read unless you have read all of Law Man.

OMG I feel so guilty because this should be a post about Mitch...and my first comment is going to be about Brock!

"He's in this mess because he's tryin' to get his boys clean.  This is not on him even though he's feelin' this shit and he's feeling' it deep.  It isn't on him.  This is on Lescheva." 


Let's just say that the instant Hawk and Brock showed up in the story, Carol was a very happy chickadee.  Have I mentioned I love them?  I swear to God, these books would make the most fantastic tv series.  It's like Supernatural (minus the Supernatural factor) meets Starsky and Hutch.  All that man-talk and testosterone.  Oooh it's scrumptious, y'all!  Positively scrumpdillyiciuos!  Can't you just see every week being about a different Dream Man?  OMG I'd get a new DVR just to make sure I didn't miss an ep!

I feel bad because I sortof put Mara on the backburner.  She's cool but I'm all about the guys in this one.  And oh SHIT - TACK.  Hello?  Even TACK showed up:

"Tack stared at him.  Then he muttered, "Respect."  Respect from Kane Allen."  


Can't you just feel THAT in your nethers?  Mmmm hmmm.  I can't WAIT to read about Tack in Motorcycle Man.  (I have to take a slight hiatus as I've been waiting for "Shadow of Night" - the sequel to "A Discovery of Witches" for a year now...and it came out today.  Yee haw.)

What I love about Mitch:

"Today was most definitely a fucking donut day.  He need to make a donut run.  He didn't need to waste time on an assclown."

LOVED the donut days.  He's such an awesome guy and it totally comes through in the book.  AND - that is SO TRUE.  He was OK with donuts on the weekend...but he made the kids eat oatmeal on school days.  That sounds vaguely familiar.  Oh year right; I do that shit to my own kids.

And how funny is "assclown"?  I am going to use that in a sentence three times today for sure.  I laughed right out loud every time I saw it.

And something I tweeted about to Miss Kristen, herself (The Queen of All Things Hotness About Men):

"Who named their kid Ridge?"  (Remember? Billie's new beau?)

ROFLMAO.  RIDGE FORRESTER was the first thing that popped into my mind.  Hot, for sure...but as KA said, herself "Mitch would wipe the floor with him".

OK so Mara - I absolutely LOVED when she loosened up and went out with the girls.  Once Vi shows up, you know it's going to be a party.  (HOW funny was she when the skank sisters showed up??  I love how she butts right the hell into their bizznazz.)  BUT - I was in shock when drunken Mara was all "Hawk is the #2 love of my life" and staring at him all doe eyed.  Girlfriend was layin' it on THICK in her head and Gwen's just sitting there all "La dee dah".  DOH!  I know you're hot, chickee...but come ON.  You gotsta keep a firm hold on your man, yeah?

OK y'all.  Give me a little while to finish my new book and then I'm on to Tack!

Incredible Journey

SPOILER ALERT:  I am 47% through LAW MAN. 

STILL THEY RIDE?!?  Holy shit.

I have been bitching in my head a bit about Book 3 because no one's been gettin' busy...and Mara has made a new dictionary entry with the somewhat non-wordish word "Um".  (Actually - not true - it's listed in Merriam Webster.  Who knew?)

And then...47% of the way through this book...Mitch and Mara are sitting in his TASTY living room and boyfriend turns OFF the game and turns ON "Still They Ride" from Journey.  A phenomenal song I haven't heard in YEARS but you'd better bet your ASS I'm about to download from iTunes in about 2.3 seconds.

I could go into the time (my sister) Tracey and I went to see the Jam with John Cougar (before he was Mellencamp again), Sammy Hagar, Bryan Adams, The Tubes and culminating in the most orgasmic Journey show to date at JFK stadium in Philadelphia in the early 80s...and I got hit in the head with a ham sandwich.  But that's a completely different story.  And right now, I have to get back to Mitch, that fantastic couch and Steve Perry belting out "the strong will surviveeeeeee".  Well worth fifty thousand "um's" y'all.  WELL worth them.

PS - I was reading on a lounge chair at my pool with my hubby sitting in the lounge chair next to me and the kids swimming happily when I got to that point and I sat up and forcefully said "Oh my god - STILL THEY RIDE!!!!"  Needless to say, Hub told me in an annoyed voice: "Ya know...None of us are reading what you're reading right now."  LOL!!!

Let's Get it On

SPOILER ALERT:  I'm starting Chapter Nine in LAW MAN. 

Oh my god.  I'm EXHAUSTED with Mara's "ums".  Honey just put your self doubt on hold and HOP ON POP!!!!!  What is she WAITING for?!?  She knows Mitch digs her.  Why prolong this whole thing?  And why doesn't he just KISS HER and get it over with?!?  She said she'd cave if he used his soft voice on her...what do you think she'll do if boyfriend lays a mean, sloppy one on her?  She'll be like "Um, OK, you and your mammy can watch my sortof kids and clean my house and wash my car AND I'll even let you make me dinner 5 nights a week, mmmhay?"

I can't take it anymore.  She can't be that stupid.  She's got a $5,000 nest egg AND a house fund, for pete's sake.  Girlfriend has a good job and pays the bills.  She CANNOT be this stupid.

Which means...it's going to get GOOD once Manly Mitch starts digging around in her past and finds out all sorts of stuff he does NOT necessarily want to know.  You KNOW she grew up like Daryl and his other brother Daryl Billie and Billy and had a shit life and has zero self esteem because of it.  Mmm hmm.  Now...I didn't grow up like that but I've got my own issues with self esteem, so trust me; mama knows.

This...is getting good.

PS - I don't know what to do with my Mitch.  From Day 1...in Mystery Man...I've seen him as Rick Rossovich from Roxanne, Top Gun, etc.  Which is fine...except the fact that he looked like that in the 80s.  I need someone current day!  AND he's on youtube...current day...grey hair and all....still looking hot for his age...but hawking some kind of natural PMS solution for his wife!!!

Dude...WTF?!  That's totally sweet but NOT helping when I'm trying to envision a hot, testosterone-laden piece of FINE ASS who buys little girls butterflies and flower barrettes at TARJAY!  Capice, compadre?!

Either way...I fear he's too ingrained in my brain at this point.  LOOK at him.  Hot-a-licious, right?

(Check him out at about 34 seconds in.  Day-um boy!)

Bye Bye Wild Man

SPOILER ALERT:  I have finished Wild Man, y'all.  Talk about Mr. Toad's Wild Ride!

Finished!  No more cupcakes.  This is good and bad.  Good, because I've been jonesing for baked goods through this entire book and just thinking about chocolate cake puts poundage on my thighs.  Bad, because Brock is hot and not it's Bye Bye Brock.  le sigh...

And HELLO MITCH, apparently.  Works for me!

A few points:

I about shit my pantalones when we were informed Brock wears my favorite man uniform to work:  Turtleneck, nice jeans and what I can only imagine as what I'd call a "pea coat".  DANG boyfriend.  That shit is HOT.

We found out Tess has light brown hair and green eyes.  Hmmm.  Casting much?  I will ponder this for the next few days.

I don't think I've ever mentioned that my Brock is Josh Holloway from LOST and has been since he appeared as Skull in Mystery Man.

I know, I know...totally wrong hair.  But just LOOK at and LISTEN to that shit.  He's got the sexiest, gravelly voice...and calls everyone by the nicknames he's given them...and is a it irreverent and doesn't give a rat's ass.  And is rough around the edges, even though he's sharp as a tack.  SO Brock.  And the facial expressions are EXACTLY what I'd expect.

See for yourself.  (BUT - NOT if you haven't seen LOST and plan to watch it (that means YOU, JJ) because it's RIFE with spoilage.





OK Y'all - on to LAW MAN. Wish me luck!

C*nts and Cupcakes!

SPOILER ALERT:  Oh crap - where am I?  Shizzle.  I think I'm about 65%ish in WILD MAN.

Thanks to Squidknit at craftster.org
for the tremendous cupcake photo! 

Hey y'all...how about Brock throwin' around the c-word like it's "the"?  Isn't it funny??  I can't imagine telling someone they had "the sweetest dick I ever had".  ROFLMAO.  Did I just say that?  That's what 7 hours at a graduation party and lots of Pinot Grigio over ice in a red solo cup will do for one's inhibitions.  Makes 'em go BUH BYE!

Seriously though...I can't even type c*nt (hee hee...or even think it in my head, apparently) unless I say something like "Ugh...she is a total counttt...ry singer."  This dude throws it around like Kardashians throw around basketball players!  Outrageous!

And frankly, it's refreshing, is it not?  Maybe we should all say it!  Maybe it wouldn't be so taboo if everyone threw it around at the dinner table now and then.

Therefore...I am naming tomorrow "National C*nt Saying Day" (along with Father's day.  Shhhh...don't tell the guys.)

Thanksgiving Lucas Style

SPOILER ALERT: I am starting Chapter 13 in Wild Man. 

Now gather 'round, children...cuz mama has LOTS to fill you in on.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving Day at the Lucas household...and boy, what a day it was!

First off...my day was MADE when Elvira showed herself up in the kitchen of Fern's house.  I was like "I'm sorry.  Come again?  ELVIRA?  Does she even KNOW them?!"  I swear to God, her appearances are so random and awesome, she's starting to remind me of Bubba in the Sookie Stackhouse series.  All the sudden...there she is!  And you know it's going to be a good time.

COMMA HOWEVER - a good time was NOT had by all on turkey day at Brock's mom's.  Oh no it wasn't.  And why not?  Because LAWDY (as Vi would say)...there was a whole boatload of shiz that went down...in one day!  Where do I begin???  OK - let's break this down so slower people like me can understand it better.

Levi - Assuming it's "Lee-Vigh" but I keep hearing it as "Leh-vee".  LOL  Anyway - WHAT a dildo. Seriously.  This guy could bring down a bunch of 4 year olds on Christmas Eve at the North Pole.  Talk about a buzz kill.  Um Lenore?  Yeah.  Honey.  I don't give a shit HOW hot he is...DUMP his dumb ass before it dumps yours.  And we all know it's about to in about 30 seconds.  What a loser that he has to bring his young, hot pieces of ass to THANKSGIVING so everyone will know how cool he is; NOT. I know guys like this and lemme tell ya...I DON'T like them.  At all.

Vi - What else needs to be said?  Girlfriend shows up and shoves her hands in the potatoes.  That's loyalty if you ask me.

Jill, Laura, The Hubs:  Whatev.  Nice people.  I could hang with them.  I'm happy for Tess that Brock's sisters and their hubs are so cool.  That is the SAME relationship I have with my sister and bros in law who married my husband's brothers and sisters (there are 6 of em - 3 boys, 3 girls. You got it; the Brady Bunch.  He's Peter).  Solidarity in numbers...and non blood relations.  When shit goes down we all huddle together and silently utter our collecte "Mmmm hmmmm"s.

Fern - LAWDY I was happy when she finally spoke up and took charge over the family dissent over Cob.  I don't know that I'd have had the dignity to invite him to stay...but someone needed to step up and she did it gracefully.

Cob - SHIT! I HATE that I LIKE him.  Damnit!

Olivia - BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH.  I HATE her.  I keep picturing her with her "all done up" hands, just like the headless woman in the "I'm On Fire" video from Bruce Springsteen.  You know...from back when he was going through his Hollywood phase before he screwed his head back on straight and moved his ass back to Monmouth county where it belongs.

(LOL Sorry.  Bruce tangent.  It happens.)

More Olivia - She wants him back?  Are you SHITTING ME?!?  OMG I was fighting falling asleep latenight in bed with my book and you'd better believe THAT little tasty morsel woke my ass up and got my brain functioning again.  I am LIVID and I can't WAIT to see what's going to come of THAT little trampy declaration.

Tess - OMG I would have FREAKED THE HELL OUT when Olivia was outside with her head on Brock's chest.  Holy shit!  I wouldn't have done it publicly; I would have been reserved like her ("Oh it's fine...it's fine."  Women always swallow so much shit, don't we??)  But inside I'd have been FREAKING.  And I can't see myself going to watch a movie and falling asleep.  I'd have stared at the TV in a panic, pretending to watch but over thinking everything that had gone down.  I'd have wanted to get the hell out of there SO fast.  When Brock drove her home and came in with her, I was a bit sceeved and thinking "Ugh - just go HOME and give me some space!"

Brock - I liked his explanation of why he looked "conflicted"...which would have had me looking VERY conflicted.  Holy hell.  But seriously - he's always so calm, cool and collected.  Can anyone be that much of a good guy all the time?  I don't know.  And I've got half the book to go...so I'm TERRIFIED of what he's going to do.  Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.  I fear (know) there HAS to be some kind of upheaval and Tess is going to get hurt...even if they do end up working things out and getting back together after the inevitable-but-temporary impending break up.

ISN'T IT ALL JUST SO DELICIOUS?!?

These books are like having a tremendous cake in front of you - and a fork - and you find yourself slicing off large chunks of frosting WITH that fork...just because you can.

And just when you think it can't get any tastier, someone walks in and brings you a kick ass grande, decaf, mocha latte to wash it all down.

Not that I drink those or anything.